"Am I young enough to believe in revolution? Am I strong enough to get down on my knees and pray? And am I high enough on the chain of evolution to respect myself and my brothers and my sisters and perfect myself in my own peculiar way."
- Kris Kristofferson


Just began my sixth decade and everyday, I am reminded how much I don't know. Never have I felt particularly smart, but people tell me I am smart. And, I wonder: do they see something I don't?  Are they using a different scale? And I conclude: nah, they're just being nice.


However, I just recognized one of the most important insights of my life. I look around at people and I see people do the same job everyday for 35 years ; men who go to the same job at the mill for 25 years; families following the same routine everyday, every week. Those same people come home after "work" grab a beer or 12, watch some television or get on the computer, eat dinner, then more television or computer before going to bed or passing out on the couch. If they take time off or go on a vacation, they go to the same family cabin or grandmother's house. It's a big deal once a month to go to the supper club and meet up with the same friends they've met at the same supper club for 25 years and order the same thing they always do to eat.


Am I different? Damn, fuckin' A straight I am! I cannot be stagnant! R. Buckminster Fuller said, "As soon as I draw a circle, I immediately want to step out of it." Not being as astute as Mr. Fuller, I often take the hard route in stepping out of that circle or bucking other people's expectations of how they think I should do something.
I'm just not aware at the time how I subconsciously sabotage myself out of those binds. But, I am glad that I do. Otherwise, I surely would have died from stagnation and boredom by now.


The point I'm getting to is, I am not dumb, but I think to myself that I am because I consistently put myself in new situations when I reach the point of a boring, redundant routine. Essentially becoming a beginner through a new job, or a new town, or new relationship, or new responsibilities. If I did the same thing day in and day out for 25 years, I might feel smart because I would be an expert on that tiny, insular, protected from new disruptive information, existence. Being regularly and frequently exposed to new knowledge, challenges, disappointments and victories keeps life interesting, fresh and exciting! I refuse to be that entitled snob who has it all figured out for everybody else because they have worked hard at the same printing machine for 25 years and consider themselves the true, hard working American. They can't help it that someone like me wasn't clever enough to figure out life at 18 when uncle Bub III got them on at the plant because he had been there for 25 years after his uncle Bub II got him his job. You see, they are connected and important because they know they figured things out at a young age. (By the way, uncle Bub II croaked six months after he retired because he was thrown into a world he knew nothing about and had no clue how to adjust).


Now, the big question: Am I young enough to still have that fight in me to go where life is uncomfortable? Am I strong enough to resist the urge to conform? And, am I high enough on my own sense of self to believe that I am young enough and strong enough.


"My, oh my, what's a guy to do? The time is right, time to make a move. This is hard to take, I can hardly wait, I can't help myself." John Fogerty

Abuse

What is abuse? I think most of us tend to define abuse as something physical or sexual. Of course, that is true, but what about the more subtle, insidious types of abuse?  Temper and displays of violence; excessive jealousy; false accusations and rumors; not being allowed to have your own opinions or having your ideas and thoughts dismissed; being told how to dress or act; being corrected about everything and not having a voice are all abusive behaviors.

But, it can be much more subtle than that. Experts at abuse, which really is about a need for control, are clever, calculating and stealthy. They can make you think YOU are the "crazy" one. These are people that are really insecure and  have an intense need to make those around them feel more insecure than themselves.

So, how do you recognize the most subtle kinds of abuse before great harm is done? Instinct! When you just know something is not right with a person, but you can't quite put your finger on it. So many of our instincts for survival have become latent since we don't use them for pure survival as in primitive times when we needed them to not get eaten by a saber tooth tiger. The instincts are still there, we just don't know how to recognize what they are telling us. Also, check with people you trust to tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear - friends who will call us on our shit. Have you ever been told by a friend that someone wasn't right for you and you dismissed the advice because you knew you knew better? Yeah, me too! Our friends can see things we cannot. Trust them!

Why do I bring this up? Because I have recently been abused in a way I haven't identified with before. To keep it somewhat short, I was asked to put together a certain project involving 10 people. I did, as a favor, on my own time and at some personal expense. A late joining couple came on board and immediately started questioning whether I did this or did that and why didn't I do it this way or that way. That in and of itself is not necessarily a big deal. It was their methods. They tag teamed me on emails. They would open with positive strokes and say something to the effect of "we know you have worked very hard on this and we don't want you to change anything or think we don't appreciate what you have done or want to tell you what to do", then proceed to tell me what I should have done. Overall, essentially informing me that they could have done a much better job because they know more. But, they certainly were not suggesting I "did anything wrong or anyone was to blame". It was all very subtle. The subtlety here is they gave positive strokes with one hand while slapping the back of my head with the other hand. Who is not going to be more affected by the slap than the stroke? I think they actually thought they were being helpful, which makes it worse because they didn't even realize they are abusive.

Fucking know-it-alls.

Pentimento

"Old paint on a canvas, as it ages, sometimes becomes transparent. When that happens, it is possible, in some pictures, to see the original lines: a tree will show through a woman's dress, a child makes way for a dog, a large boat is no longer in an open see. That is called pentimento because the painter "repented", changed his mind. Perhaps it would be as well to say that the old conception, replaced by a later choice, is a way of seeing and then seeing again." Lillian Hellman


As parents, we are often faced with the challenge of finding the child or person we seem to have lost. This most often presents itself with adolescents. We know we have instilled in our children the values, habits and behaviors crucial to leading happy and successful lives. Yet, somehow, our kids sometimes seem to have lost their way or have been misguided and engage in behaviors contrary to their well-being. It can be frustrating to call their attention to these often harmful behaviors.


The concept of Pentimento may be helpful for us to undersatnd that what we have taught them is still there. It may not always be obvious and it may not seem important to them, but it is there! As adolescents become adults, the outer layers that have been built up by their peers and other influences will peel away and reveal the person we know is in there. Our task is to help keep them safe and continue to teach and hold them accountable while they explore who they are. They will come back to you with not only the masterpiece you have helped create, but also vibrant colors and new strokes that will make you proud.

Why Am I Not Surprised

This is about shit I hear and read about that further confirms how stupid people in this country are.

Today I have to decide between Giuliani continuing to spout racist vitriol about Obama; John McCain blaming a snowstorm for signing that letter to Iran; Utah bringing back the firing squad; and Tony Perkins, the poster boy for hate, racism and narrow mindedness, being invited by Republicans to testify as an expert before a Senate Appropriations subcommittee on protecting religious freedom abroad.

But I have to go with Rep. Justin Harris (R-West Fork) the Arkansas lawmaker who gave away (yes just gave away) his two adopted girls, a 4 year old and a 6 year old he had adopted 2 years before, to a man who turned out to be a child molester. He and his wife gave the little girls away because they thought the girls were possessed by demons. The then 4 year old was kept in isolation and monitored by video camera because the Harrises believed she was possessed by demons and could communicate telepathically with them. Because they cared so much, they went to all the trouble of summoning exorcism specialists from Alabama - where else would one go to find an exorcist, Harvard? - to have the demons cast out of the girls. It gets better, or worse,  depending on how you look at it. This bozo Harris runs the Growing God's Kingdom preschool facility, which is where he found the child molester to give the girls to. Harris sits on the Arkansas Child and Youth Committee in the State House which handles child welfare issues. Not surprisingly, Harris campaigned as a champion of "family values". As a true Tea Party nutcase (that's redundant, isn't it?) he has opposed any and all legislation that helps the poor and the needy except for himself. He collected state subsidies for his adopted children even after he gave them away.

Is this country getting dumber or is there just so much apathy that not enough people are paying attention? I think it has to do with all the "news" sources that people listen to or watch. Those stations are experts at sound bites and believable sounding rhetoric that emboldens people into thinking they are informed. Any of us that have paid attention the past several years have known that Fox News has never encumbered themselves with facts. And if the recent exposure of O'Reilly's fantasy world hasn't clued the sheep in about Fox's bullshit, there is no hope. I've watched O'Reilly and Hannity and they do sound convincing. If they are someone's only source for what's going on, I can see how uninformed people can believe them. Maybe the real problem is people just don't seem to have much curiosity anymore. Whether it's because they are too busy or too lazy or just don't care, who knows?

Not long before he died, Kurt Vonnegut lamented that society had lost the art of "becoming". That probably nails it. It's too much trouble to go to the effort of learning something new; of experiencing a new way of doing things; of feeling what it is like to walk in another person's shoes. It's much easier to let technology hand it to us.

Ah, hell. I guess I'm just a dinosaur. I'm modern because I'm writing it now, but I am an anachronism.

Don't let the bastards get you down!

On Being Embarrassed

I used to live with someone who said I embarrassed her. Now, how can I possibly embarrass anyone but myself? She could not grasp that concept. She was not capable of any self reflection that might give her a clue that what she was really doing was throwing her discomfort onto me. Her profound lack of a sense of humor, the ability to be playful, the resistance to anything not within her limited idea of the "right way to act" in public she believed gave her the right to scold me for not following her parameters of behavior. Of course she's not the only one like that. When people are uncomfortable about how someone else is acting, they feel it is their duty to correct those of us that feel free to express ourselves. If we do not follow their pre-determined set of values, behaviors, and expressions they feel compelled to set us right. Well, fuck them! I am really sick of being stifled, controlled, manipulated and scolded by these self appointed hall monitors that think they know what's right for everyone.

I was recently at an event where my date and I had an incredible time. My date expressed herself beautifully on the dance floor (appropriately, I should add). Someone from her work saw her and reported to her boss that she "embarrassed herself". That was news to the both of us. Neither one of us realized that she should be embarrassed. But, this person, of course, knew better than us. We discussed it and could think of absolutely no reason to be embarrassed. Because this self appointed gestapo thought my date should be embarrassed, that is what got back to her boss who passive/ aggressively stopped scheduling her to work. Just because some uptight prude felt uncomfortable. As I said before, fuck those bastards with a cork up their asses who cannot handle people who express themselves differently from what their narrow minds have decided is the right way.

Surviving and Being Lavender

She is a survivor borne of a horrendous childhood. She uses people - don't we all. But, she has mastered the art of getting what she wants and needs from people, mostly men.
She's not deliberately hurtful or malicious,  I don't think, it just comes from her long honed instinct to survive and get through life as best as she can. She's not calculating or planning to take advantage of someone, I don't think, she sincerely means what she says to you - at the time. It's a  purely instinctual behavior.
She moves through people with a sweet, sensual elan. She is demonstrable with a delicate balance of expressiveness and subtlety. When she is with you, she makes you feel as though you are the only thing on her mind.
But, when she is done with you, she leaves a gaping hole, for she has insinuated herself deeply into your very essence. And you are left wondering what the hell happened. Your very own instincts told you from the start - WATCH OUT! But, baser desires overruled. Then she moves on and you are left reeling and wondering how she could be so abrupt with her feelings. But, you can't really be mad at her for long. You need her now. Not for the lost love because you finally realize that's history for her. You need her for the energy, the inspiration, the dimension of excitement and possibilities she helped you see. And she remains there for that if you can overcome the desires that remain. Now, that's where it really gets tough.....

Little Has Changed

"I am amused by the shortsighted folly of the very wealthy men and how large a proportion of them stand for what is fundamentally corrupt and dishonest."
"We cannot submit to the domination in the Republican party of those selfish interests which have long felt that the government was simply an instrument to further their ends."

-Teddy Roosevelt, himself a Republican, expressing concern about members of his own party losing sight of their  commitment to the people.

What the hell is it with so many people that they are so sure what is in your best interest that they feel compelled to inform you how to act? If, by just being our natural selves, creates discomfort in someone, they judge us based on their prejudices, inhibitions, preconceived opinions or so called values. With righteousness, they scowl, scold, report, gossip and try to change, stifle or censor us so they can be more at ease. The sad part is, they usually succeed because, on some level, most of us want to fit in. Society frowns on the free spirit, the jester, the person who just wants to be free to be.....themselves.

Tesla said, "Like the planets and the stars and the moons, we are all part of an interconnectedness." Like each planet, each star, each moon, we can rise and be seen outside the whole in our own unique way. Like a meteorite, we can have an impact. Most people look at a meteorite and see it as just a chunk of black rock on fire that plummets to earth and think no more of it. Creative people and free thinkers look beyond what they first see and recognize the many properties of everything. Long ago they learned that a meteorite has healing and protective properties. 3000 years ago the Inuit used pieces for trade and to make tools. Just a black rock? Hardly! Look beyond what we are taught, what we think we learned, what we assume and what others have told us and, as Walt Whitman suggested, "Dismiss whatever insults your own soul".

Hell, why not be the meteorite? Make an impact. We are all born with certain skills, talents, gifts, or capacities that we can hone to enhance ourselves. Don't be afraid to go with who you are.  Kurt Vonnegut lamented that we have lost the art of "becoming". Get it back!

From childhood in society and in school, we are "taught" how to think linearly. Embrace your own way to learn. Get your hands dirty, take chances, don't get caught up in the trite concept of "thinking outside the box", jump in and out of as many boxes as you can find/create. Don't just think - BE.