Abuse

What is abuse? I think most of us tend to define abuse as something physical or sexual. Of course, that is true, but what about the more subtle, insidious types of abuse?  Temper and displays of violence; excessive jealousy; false accusations and rumors; not being allowed to have your own opinions or having your ideas and thoughts dismissed; being told how to dress or act; being corrected about everything and not having a voice are all abusive behaviors.

But, it can be much more subtle than that. Experts at abuse, which really is about a need for control, are clever, calculating and stealthy. They can make you think YOU are the "crazy" one. These are people that are really insecure and  have an intense need to make those around them feel more insecure than themselves.

So, how do you recognize the most subtle kinds of abuse before great harm is done? Instinct! When you just know something is not right with a person, but you can't quite put your finger on it. So many of our instincts for survival have become latent since we don't use them for pure survival as in primitive times when we needed them to not get eaten by a saber tooth tiger. The instincts are still there, we just don't know how to recognize what they are telling us. Also, check with people you trust to tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear - friends who will call us on our shit. Have you ever been told by a friend that someone wasn't right for you and you dismissed the advice because you knew you knew better? Yeah, me too! Our friends can see things we cannot. Trust them!

Why do I bring this up? Because I have recently been abused in a way I haven't identified with before. To keep it somewhat short, I was asked to put together a certain project involving 10 people. I did, as a favor, on my own time and at some personal expense. A late joining couple came on board and immediately started questioning whether I did this or did that and why didn't I do it this way or that way. That in and of itself is not necessarily a big deal. It was their methods. They tag teamed me on emails. They would open with positive strokes and say something to the effect of "we know you have worked very hard on this and we don't want you to change anything or think we don't appreciate what you have done or want to tell you what to do", then proceed to tell me what I should have done. Overall, essentially informing me that they could have done a much better job because they know more. But, they certainly were not suggesting I "did anything wrong or anyone was to blame". It was all very subtle. The subtlety here is they gave positive strokes with one hand while slapping the back of my head with the other hand. Who is not going to be more affected by the slap than the stroke? I think they actually thought they were being helpful, which makes it worse because they didn't even realize they are abusive.

Fucking know-it-alls.